A friend and I were recently discussing what our core values were, as part of a larger exercise around understanding our goals and life decisions. A value of mine that I instantly identified was āloveā.
I am aware that love is one of those things which rings corny as a value and has a million interpretations. Even so, when I look back at all my favourite decisions in the past three decades, itās the one feeling that resonates the loudest ā an impenetrable truth, a resting place of all my whys.Ā
But showing up in this world from a place of love has not always been easy. To be more precise, it has been excruciating to choose love when someoneās wounds slash into my own.Ā
Growing up, I would abandon myself and how I felt to serve the other person. Or at least, Iād resentfully try to. And then as I began my healing journey in my twenties, such situations evoked my mama bear, a fiercely protective self who would growl at anyone who so much as thought they could overstep.
At some point, I realized that neither of these responses reflected my core value of love. While the first was a lack of love towards the self, the second created a separation from the other, from this world.Ā
So over the past few years, Iāve tried to strike middle ground with something else entirely. When someone hurt me, Iād imagine the wound that their words or actions came from. I would then hold this against my own truth to respond in āthe most compassionate wayā.Ā
But this wasnāt really love either. It was just me imagining my opponentās best defense and coming up with a counter-argument in my favour. This was fear.Ā
While Iāve tried out three different approaches, all of them had one thing in common ā an outward focus as the starting point. Even in approach #2, my focus was creating a barrier so that no one could enter into my world and further harm me.Ā
Lately, Iāve been trying something different ā Iām learning that when an old wound is reopened, my first true act of love is to sit with it.Ā
This is stressful, I abhor rehashing a past I have worked hard to make my peace with. Iāll go to great lengths and acquire many a migraine to avoid that confrontation.Ā
But sometimes, the most gentle thing we can do is to let ourselves feel that excruciating pain in places where it still exists. No questions, no defenses, no counter-arguments, just a silent witnessing of this reality within us.Ā
During this time, we are allowed to hold the world and its pain at bay. We are allowed to look away from other wounded inner children when we tend to our own. But remember, the main act here is not creating and holding a barrier ā the boundary simply acts in service of our ongoing inner work to reorient towards love.Ā
I am learning that once we have acknowledged the wound and felt its pain from a place of compassion, the narratives we emerge with are so much fuller. We speak with a voice that doesnāt just reach for love, but embodies it. We donāt have to work hard to figure out what we need to say or do, we know.Ā
And then, we will be ready to allow the world back in. We will be able to hold room for other peopleās experiences without contorting their stories in our fearful grip. Or in some situations, we will know that the right choice is to let go and not further engage.Ā
Either way, this final act will be one that is made in connection with both the self and the world. It retains hope, and softens into a resting place for all your whys. I am learning that there is a way to do this that is healthy and still feels a lot like love.Ā
Every day, I am learning to love.Ā
š
All of mine,
Soumya
*Side note: This process may take longer than we are prepared for. For instance, last year, I reconnected with an old friend Iād stepped away from 10 years ago! There are still relations I hope to someday return to, but arriving at that space of love takes its own time. Hereās to allowing that for ourselves.Ā
Recommended reads šĀ
Learnings on love from being single for 20 years
Annie Dillard and the writing lifeĀ
7 questions to ask yourself when you donāt know what you wantĀ
The paradox of listening to our bodiesĀ
Jam šµĀ
My friend Ayushi made me a gorgeous playlist for my birthday. This song is a timely find from it, and Iāve been playing it on repeat all month long. Also, letās make each other more playlists as a rule, please?
Thank you for reading! š
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I love the invitation to be with fear and pain. So important to befriend what comes up in ourselves as an act of love itself.