Last year, I did a complete 180 on my life as I knew it.
After 9 years of living alone, I moved in with my folks, quit my job, and changed the entire landscape of my social life.
It was a hard year. I was sick often, barely had any money, and was heart-broken through half of it. But none of that stopped me from showing up to learn, heal, create, and build.
I remember weeks of pushing myself up from excruciating back pain to go sit in a chair and write. I remember single-handedly pulling together a major project launch right after a man I was into told me he didn’t want a future with me. I remember being sick in bed for weeks, committed to reading what I told myself I would. I remember sitting before my laptop cloaked in depression but still meeting all my freelance deadlines and finishing the first draft of my book.
But there’s one thing I don’t remember – I don’t remember celebrating myself for any of that.
Each of those victories was followed by a sigh of relief or a slight tug of "I actually did it" at my heartstrings. And then I’d move on to the next sprint in my relay race of Things To Be And Do Before I turn 30
This went on into 2020 until one day a friend asked me to go and celebrate myself instead of sinking into the stress I constantly carry around. It was such a simple ask, but I had no idea how to do it! I wondered why.
Retracing my disgruntled relationship with celebration landed me at something my mom used to say. She had a sort of odd policy – never speak about your accomplishments or talents to people.
"It's such a bore to tell others what's so good about you, no one wants to hear that!" she'd insist.
At times, I'd read it as compassion, maybe she didn't want us to rub our joy in other people's faces who didn’t have what we did. I convinced myself that paring what I felt was a mark of humility, of being a good person.
If there were things my sister and I excelled at, our mom would shrug and say, "I think this is beautiful, but what their own children do will seem amazing to every mother, so..."
At times like those, I wondered if it was fear - what if we said it and someone else discredited it? My little mind encoded this as a precautionary measure, that what I had may lose its luster or value if said out loud.
I got so used to dissolving and swallowing my joy that it soon became a reflex. It would rise up and fall back, washed down with a big gulp of righteousness burrowed somewhere between my gut and my mouth.
I don't know why my mom believed what she did. Maybe she thought that swallowing joy was a way to hoard it, and was stockpiling it for days she'd need it. Maybe she was worried of raising daughters who would be boastful, selfish, unlikeable, or cruel. But swallowing joy neither stored nor negated it.
Unprocessed happiness turns into bitterness, self-righteousness, stress, and even sorrow. It gets dark and heavy. I began to understand that like bad experiences need closure, the good ones do too. And that was celebration.
I started to think of celebration as letting feelings of joy, accomplishment, victory, pride, and love amplify themselves to a fever pitch within. As holding room for them to mingle, sparkle, and burst like confetti. It was creating a glinting carpet along a necessary corridor towards life's next chapter. I couldn't wait to try it out.
So when I launched this newsletter, I celebrated a whole year's worth of little and big victories. I dressed up, praised and promoted myself on the gram all day, asked a couple of friends to tell me 3 things they love about me, and told myself just how proud I was of each of my accomplishments over the past year.
This simple ritual transformed me. I felt lighter, stronger, like I had room within me for new experiences. That day, I promised myself that I’d celebrate my wins every once in a while.
It was my birthday last week. It was the first time I ever allowed myself to receive love unabashedly, as though I deserved it, almost as though it were owed to me. While it was heartening to soak in the kind words and thoughtful gifts that ebbed and flowed through the week, turning 28 for me was about being able to hold the feeling of celebration. It took grit, courage, and just a smidgen of audacity.
This month, I invite you to explore your relationship with celebration. How does it feel for you? How do you hold it? How often do you deliberately celebrate yourself? Do you have any unprocessed joy within you?
Make it a priority to process your joy. Let the feeling of your worth and victory sink into your bones so you tread forward with its knowing. Because in this relay race, celebration is how you let your next self pick up what you've carried thus far. It is the act of passing the baton forward.
💌
Love,
Soumya
Ideas for Meaningful Gifting 🎁
1. Subscription for Curated Book Packages - Monthly packages of books, access to special events, and other goodies curated by Bangalore-based Champaca bookstore. They deliver pan-India.
2. Gift a Writer's Workshop - Have a writer friend or someone uber talented who just needs a little push? Gift a writing class hosted by the Bound creative community.
3. Cards for a Cause - A collective effort of 55+ artists who illustrated their feelings about the current situation of the world. Each card is a canvas; designed to help, created to evoke an emotion, and played to keep you home.
4. Clothing & Crafts that support Handloom Weavers - Kaiyare brings you clothes and accessories made by handloom weavers across India. Join their artisans collective and support the community.
5. Share Resources - It's been a tough year. If you have enough to spare, consider sharing resources. Give in a friend's name to honour them!
Creators I love 👩🎨
From this month onwards, I'll be dedicating a small section of this newsletter to talk about artists and creatives who've touched my life and whose work I deeply admire.
I couldn't think of a better person than Aparajita Khandelwal to start with. Apra and I were roommates during a five-month stint I had in J school. Apart from tolerating the lingering smell of my pain balm around our room, pushing me to market my writing better, and encouraging me to start this newsletter, she has taught me what 'functional art' means.
Aparajita is a resin artist whose gorgeous work is inspired by the ocean. With her custom-made pop sockets, coasters, keyrings, and phone cases, she hopes to bring a piece of the ocean to your home.
You can check out her work on her website or on Instagram (I live for the BTS pictures she shares!).
Tell me your songs 🎶
Since many of you send me incredible music recommendations, I'm creating collaborative playlists which we can all add to! This one's theme is Celebration - songs that make you feel like a million bucks. My friends and I have gotten us started with a few of our all-time favourites. Feel free to add yours.
Thank you for reading me ❤️
If you connected with this email, hit reply and tell me your story. Hearing from you always makes my day!
If my work speaks to you and you’d like to help me keep creating, you can sponsor my next Cardy (cardamom chai): @sorojo27@okicici