These are family matters 👀
Takeover #4: Mrudula Gopalkrishna
In case you missed the announcement or are new here, I will be sending 2 emails a month until March. One will be my regular newsletter and the other will be a creator takeover. This is our fourth takeover, I hope you enjoy it!
About the writer: Mrudula is a love child of space science and poetry. When she is not working on radio telescopes, perhaps even when she should be working, she can be found reading poetry. She is a firm believer of magic and can be dramatic at times. Her other interests include hoarding craft supplies, petting cats, dogs, and one day, otters.
Social media is great. It has brought us all closer especially during the on-going pandemic, started whole movements, and kept us informed about things that happen on the other side of the globe.
How else would I, sitting in my apartment in Arizona, scrolling instagram, probably procrastinating on an assignment, know that my grandfather in India went missing after he went out for a walk one night? Thanks, Instagram.
I came across a story reposted by an old friend's meme page (thank god for meme pages) that an old man was wandering aimlessly at night saying he lost his way. What’s funny is I could not even recognize him right away thanks to the pandemic beard.
I’m forever grateful to a complete stranger for bringing him back to my parent’s safely.
And I wish the story ended here. With a happily ever after, everything is fine and filled with gratitude. But this is not a movie. Real life is messy.
My grandfather was alone in the house in the first place because he is an abusive husband to my grandmother. We had to get grandmom home because it was just impossible to have her stay with him any longer. So you can imagine the rush of complex emotions that washed over every single member in my family.
TLDR; my grandfather is being taken care of at a hospital. He is diagnosed with dementia. He does not remember being married. My grandmother lives in my room back home. She is being taken care of as well.
But I want to pause here and ask, do you see me differently than you did before you started reading my story? Perhaps you feel pity?
One of the consequences of social media is how much we want our reality to look like perfect, happy realities of influencers. I am not immune to this. I see pictures and stories about grandparents reading bedtime stories and passing down age-old wisdom and I WANT that.
But… mine were largely missing in my childhood. I have only a couple good memories of visiting my grandparents’ place. And I know for a fact that most of our families are not perfect and that’s okay.
In India, we have a culture of not airing dirty laundry and sweeping things under the rug by saying these are “family matters”. In India, to respect is to not talk about “family matters”. To respect is to hide. To respect is to tolerate, to respect is to accept the elders know best.
So much of our self-worth is tied to what kind of families we come from. We hurt ourselves and the people we love in order to maintain a ‘reputation’.
The truth is, families are complex and far from perfect. We need to stop attaching shame around something we have no control over.
Maybe we also need to stop making movies that ride entirely on the “Baap pe mat jaana” wave. Yes Pushpa, I’m looking at you.
The single most powerful thing my counselor told me was “You’re an adult now, you get to parent yourself”.
And suddenly I felt the power come back to me. I am in control of my life and the way things would pan out.
I shall grand-parent myself.
Speaking of power, here are podcasts I listen to:
The Happiness Lab by Dr. Laurie Santos
On Being by Krista Tippet
This amazing episode about courage in the midst of change by Dr. Brene Brown and Dr. Maya Shankar
If you are in-between things, this conversation with Mari Andrew
Take what you need from Reset
Thank you for reading, and I shall leave you with a dash of poetry.
If you enjoyed this email, do like it on Substack, write back by hitting reply, or connect with Mrudula on Instagram.
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