I come from a family that’s emotionally reticent.
My dad is a philosophy major turned computer programmer (you think that’s weird? His brother is a zoology major turned banker, anything used to go!). My mum is a social worker turned PA turned teacher turned homemaker. They’re both introverts.
They’re two of the kindest people I know but this world has never held space for them to truly express themselves. So they didn’t know how to hold space for little introverted me to do so either.
Unlike them, I didn’t grow up to be a well-adapted, mentally stable human. I grew up trapped and confused. I didn’t share anything I thought or felt with anyone until I was 18. That’s almost two decades of unprocessed everything!
I’m talking heartbreak, loneliness, stress, anxiety, fear, grief, hopelessness. My entire childhood was a constant struggle to feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted.
My brain had resorted to harmful coping and processing techniques to keep going. In turn, those turned into *surprise surprise!* multiple full-fledged mental illnesses, many of which I still battle 10 years later.
I recently read that 1 in 4 people have a mental illness but all 4 have mental health. Gosh, that struck me.
These days, I look at mental health from an illness lens. But thinking of little Soumya reminded me that so many of our regular human conditions impact our mental health too. Growing up without the space to express or the tools to understand these conditions has harmed me in irreparable ways. I'm living proof of exactly how important it is to address all sorts of mental and emotional pain.
Which brings me to 27-year-old Soumya. She’s been struggling with loneliness and the fear of an uncertain future lately.
I had a mental health spiral last month and most of the people I counted on weren’t able to show up for me. I’m telling myself that it’s not their fault, that it’s the pandemic-reality, it’s the lockdown but… is it? Added to the list of things to be verified post lockdown, post corona, whatever the world will look like then.
Other things on that list include - how long will I have the work opportunities I currently do? What about my plans to move out of the country? Am I withdrawing into myself or is this solitude? What about my book that’s on hold? Actually, what about every single part of my quarterly plan that went down the drain? What does all of this mean?
I imagine that you are dealing with some form and combination of the above too. While I can’t find your answers for you, here’s what I can leave you with –
It’s okay to feel and think whatever you do. It’s okay to feel broken day after day. To go to bed with darkness night after night. It’s okay to be anxious and sad and lonely. It’s okay to be heartsick, it’s okay to grieve.
We cannot turn our pain upside down and call it joy. It exists on its own. Our human condition speaks so many tongues, let’s allow for it to speak. Let’s give ourselves space to show up entirely. And then we’ll take it from there.
💌
Love,
Soumya
Solace 🕊:
- An apology from your anxiety
- A note on healing from heartbreak
Journaling prompts 📝:
- If you could have emotionally/mentally stockpiled on certain experiences/feelings for this lockdown, what would you have stored?
- What does the opposite of lonely look and feel like for you?
Current 🎵:
Before you leave…
I’d love to hear back from you! Hit the reply button and tell me what’s been on your mind and in your heart lately.
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