From All Along You Were Blooming by Morgan Harper Nichols
I’ve recently created a zine called Things I Voicenote Myself About. If you have not read my past few emails, TIVNMA is a mixed bag of stories, poetry, and reflection prompts designed to help you tap deeper into yourself at your own pace.
At the risk of a superlative sounding exaggerated, writing and sharing this zine has changed me.Â
A lot of this change was deliberate. For instance, on a professional front, I’ve had to accept that marketing is not only necessary for a creator, but takes far more time and energy than creation itself. This has required me to foster the self-worth needed to reintroduce my work to the world over and over again, with a conviction that it matters.Â
I’ve also started making Instagram Reels, which my friends consider a greater victory than me writing and selling a whole damn book! (I suppose I get it, the writing part was inevitable, Reels is what I petulantly resisted.)
On a personal front, I’ve had to grapple with how I use my introversion as a cover for things I do not want to do or do not have the understanding or tools to engage with.Â
To tackle this, I’ve stayed open to conversation about my work and observed what it has brought up within me. It’s brought up a lot — fear of being rejected, anxiety about being spoken over, insecurity about not being taken seriously, frustration of being boxed, the list goes on.Â
Of course, none of these are true or have anything to do with my work or my readers. These are merely projections of my past experiences onto completely unrelated people and situations.Â
But the conscious decisions I’ve made for my zine have led to an external and internal unravelling that I was not prepared for.Â
When you put yourself out into the world in such a massive way, refuse to retreat into your hole after, and invite people into your life, change will ensue in quick spates from every direction. Most of the time, I don’t know what’s going on anymore!
Why am I, a woman with the trauma of being stalked for a decade, now giving my home address and cellphone number to people I barely know? Why am I saying yes to selling physical copies of my zine when I am aware that this will take away from the time I’ve dedicated to other writing tasks?Â
Why am I putting together a big celebration and then agreeing to nix it in a split second when the slightest thing goes wrong? What about all the celebrations I screwed up? What about all the networking opportunities I screwed up?Â
Why does this vulnerability remind me of a self I was many moons ago? Why do I feel so much contempt for that self? How do I compare and contrast to chart out a safe route so that I’ll never be hurt how she was? What do I compare, how do I contrast, and so what if the route isn’t all that safe? Why did she hurt so much to begin with?Â
For someone who just wrote a zine on self-reflection, it’s ironic that I am now actively avoiding deep-diving into it. There are too many questions to keep a track of!
Instead of poring over them, I call up a friend and ask how they are doing. I pick up a book and fill my head with a voice and story that aren’t mine. I sit down and paint or create blackout poetry. I attend to my freelance clients. I clear my wardrobe. I watch The Office.Â
Here’s the thing, having written a book about the questions I ask myself has not only shown me which are useful and pertinent, but has created a negative space of the type of questions that have never helped. I am realizing that there are questions that need to be answered and others that have to be surrendered.Â
Questions that bring up or arrive with worry, anxiety, and fear are usually not the best to engage with. Surrender these. On the other hand, feelings of curiosity and compassion are indicators of questions worth keeping around and getting into.Â
Surrendering a question does not mean that the thought itself is wrong but that your conscious mind is not currently a fertile ground for it to thrive. When you are ready, it will return and it will feel different. Some questions we give away even sprout in our subconscious minds, pushing forth their answers in time, ripe for the plucking!
I am writing this to you today because whatever I’m doing seems to be working. I am at peace, able to make decisions that keep me joyful, and unlock an answer every now and then when I least expect it.
So this is what I believe — when the change feels overwhelming, the unravelling brings up more than you understand, the questions are too many, or their velocity too much, let go.Â
Your mind is magical and healing and a supreme puzzle-fixer in places you’ll never be able to even visit. Trust it. It's got you.Â
💌
Love,
Soumya
 📚 Download a FREE digital copy of Things I Voicenote Myself About here or purchase a physical copy here. A few friends have been getting the zine as gifts for their people and themselves and I am here for that!  📚
Miscellany ✨
Do you read to identify poison or find nourishment?
Filler words have always gotten a bad rap. This article makes a case for them.
The relation between the unconscious mind and spirituality.
Mediocrity is a celebration of personal choice and individuality. The acceptance of your limitations may liberate you!
What book publishers look for. This video straight up changed me!
Will your metaphors pass Ocean Vuong’s test? (If this link doesn’t work for you, go to his Instagram profile and check out the highlight ‘Metaphors’)
Help rebuild post-Covid India + get beautiful postcards.
From the Gram 💜
Click this post to see what people are saying about my zine! Thank you for loving my art-child, letting it into your homes, and helping it lead a richer and fuller life.Â
Current Jam  🎶
I love Demi Lovato and all the work they do in raising awareness around eating disorders. This song struck me hard, taking me back to struggles from my anorexia days. This feels like an anthem.Â
Community 💗
Starting this month, I’d like to feature work from this talented community in every second newsletter! From poems to quotes to short snippets of writing or even artwork, I welcome anything from your beautiful mind. If you would like to be featured, hit reply and send me your piece. This month, we have a poem by the lovely Asmi Nandola.
Thank you for being here and reading me. If anything I write strikes a chord, please take a few minutes to say hey and introduce yourself. I would seriously love to get to know you! You can support me by sharing this email with a friend who would enjoy it.